10 Guys You’ll Find in a Pick-up Basketball Game
We’ve all seen every one of these guys. Some of them are tolerable, for others you’d rather take your ball and leave. You’ll find them at the gym, the college intramural building, the local playground. These fools come out of the woodwork. Every pick-up game has at least a few sprinkled in there. It’s Always Sunny in Detroit presents the 10 guys you’ll find at almost every pick-up basketball game…
1. The Hog — You’ll know three or four possessions into the game who this guy is because (a) you haven’t seen the ball and (b) this guy’s defender is already sweating. This guy’s playing like Tom Izzo is there to hand him a full ride. There is only so much you can do when playing with The Hog. First and foremost, be The Hog right back. Nobody wants this guy on their team much like no NBA franchise wants…(Former) NBA equivalent = Allen Iverson
2. Equipment Guy — Headband, check. Knee brace, check. Wristbands, check. Arm sleeve, check. Ankle braces, check. Goggles? Maybe. It takes this guy as long to suit up as it does to actually play. One or two of these things are alright. Three, four or five and you should stay at home in your bubble. NBA equivalent = Rip Hamilton
3. Joe Hustle — This guy just works his tail off. He’s chasing down loose balls, going hard for every rebound, running down guys on fast breaks. Sooner or later, he’s going to hurt somebody. NBA equivalent = Shane Battier
4. Sweaty Guy — This guy’s best defense is his sweat glands. If this guy didn’t bring three or four shirts, you’re in for a long day. He’s slithery on offense and there is no way you’re running into one of his picks. NBA equivalent = Chris Kaman
5. The Baller — This guy is flat out the best player on the floor. He isn’t going to tone it down either. Double or triple team him, it doesn’t matter. He’ll get his shots off and he’ll drain them all. NBA equivalent = Kobe
6. The Wannabe Baller — The guy thinks he’s the flat out best player on the floor. He’ll act like he’s toning it down. You don’t even need to double or triple team him, he’s simply not that good. He’ll take his fair share of shots and then some. He looks the part, but he sucks. NBA equivalent = Hasheem Thabeet
7. The Apparel Guy — This dude usually has coordinated gear and the majority of the time it’s Nike or Jordan Brand. A $30 Jordan t-shirt or cutoff, $60 Jordan shorts, $15 Jordan socks and $120 Jordan shoes. They make you play better dude, trust me. NBA equivalent = Dwyane Wade
8. The No-D Guy — Defense is a disease to this guy. He’s just looking for his next shot. His man shoots, he’s jogging past him waiting for the outlet pass. His teammates can’t stand him. His opponents can’t stand him. We get it, you can make the wide open lay-up off the home run ball. NBA equivalent = Monta Ellis
9. The Old Guy — He doesn’t care if it’s a game of 20-somethings. He came to play. This guy is money from 15 feet. He’ll do what he can elsewhere, but leave him open at the elbow and it’s buckets. His fundamentals are solid, but he’s about three steps slow. You can tell this guy used to be #5. NBA equivalent = Grant Hill
10. The Deceivingly Good White Guy — He doesn’t look the part, but this guy can play. He’ll light you up if you’re off your game or find the hot hand if need be. He’ll get in your grill on defense too. He’s tough and he’ll prove it. NBA equivalent = Steve Nash (who else?)
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Great post. I play a shit load of hoops and I know every one of those guys.
I'm in my thirties, but I'm already #9. I used to be #10. I ball with a guy who is #5, even though he's almost twice my age